the usual boring turmoil
Why can't I ever seem to truly remember that I love being with Him more than I like being HERE?
Doug pretty much made me go talk to Pastor Serge after church. He's nice.
And pretty much immediately as I get out, leave, get home, I am overcome by some ugly doubt and FEAR. I hate fear.
Doug gives me some loving, encouraging words and leaves to go make a tres leches cakes and allows me to have my own reflection time. I find a book on his bed called 'Christian Beliefs' that I imagine Pastor Josh lent him. I flip to the chapter called, "What is prayer?"
I read it and then pray to God.
It was great.
I was focused on Him and therefore, I prayed with the wholeness of me.
I allowed myself to ask of Him...which I usually am afraid to do because I feel guilty cause I'm imperfect and repeat the same sins or because I lack faith which also makes me feel guilty and like a failure.
And like, He always gives to me!! That makes me really believe that He knows the desires of my heart. How much more is he willing to give and why does He love me so much?! I don't even ask and He provides. I don't know what my problem is, lol.
I just miss Him when I'm not with Him but I allow myself to stay away. WHY? I like it when I'm in His presence. Then I end up disliking myself. It's just a cycle. It's the enemy. I just need a like a POW block from Mario to make the ugly go away.
Doug pretty much made me go talk to Pastor Serge after church. He's nice.
And pretty much immediately as I get out, leave, get home, I am overcome by some ugly doubt and FEAR. I hate fear.
Doug gives me some loving, encouraging words and leaves to go make a tres leches cakes and allows me to have my own reflection time. I find a book on his bed called 'Christian Beliefs' that I imagine Pastor Josh lent him. I flip to the chapter called, "What is prayer?"
I read it and then pray to God.
It was great.
I was focused on Him and therefore, I prayed with the wholeness of me.
I allowed myself to ask of Him...which I usually am afraid to do because I feel guilty cause I'm imperfect and repeat the same sins or because I lack faith which also makes me feel guilty and like a failure.
And like, He always gives to me!! That makes me really believe that He knows the desires of my heart. How much more is he willing to give and why does He love me so much?! I don't even ask and He provides. I don't know what my problem is, lol.
I just miss Him when I'm not with Him but I allow myself to stay away. WHY? I like it when I'm in His presence. Then I end up disliking myself. It's just a cycle. It's the enemy. I just need a like a POW block from Mario to make the ugly go away.
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